Monthly Archives: January 2017

Hey Gang, 

Great morning last Sunday! Not sure what got into y’all but it was wide open…and a whole lot of fun!  The following Levels of Communication are ALL important!  Take a look again and keep working towards Level #5… You will be glad you did. 

Hope this is helpful,

Hixon and Margie

Phil 1:6 He who began a good work in you, will be faithful to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus.

“A couple needs to learn how to communicate with each other” – says every counselor, teacher, preacher worth their salt. We all know it to be true. But what exactly does that

mean? I communicate like a man (through small words and guttural sounds). My wife communicates like a woman (lot of words and details) So How are we supposed to communicate with each other?  I’m Glad you asked…

1. “PLEASANTRIES” – “Thank you!”, “Please”,  “Have a great day”, “Be safe” etc….  Usually these words come out of our mouths with little or no thought when we are dating. But after time many couples forget to treat their spouse, dare I say it, courteously. While we are kind to the barista, the clerk and the person we pass in the hallway at work, we often overlook the need to extend that same kindness to our spouse.

Kindness and being pleasant can “grease the wheels of your marriage”. It isn’t difficult, there is no risk involved and we don’t really have to feel anything. Just say it.

Margie and I, like many couples, tell each other “love ya” after most phone conversations and when we leave for the day. In fact, it is so common we usually don’t think before we say it. I once told my boss “love ya” as I hung up the phone…after a conversation and could only cringing after I hung up. I have been more careful since then. 🙂

Years ago I explained this principle to a group of newly married couples when a hand in the back shot up to express her disapproval. “Saying I love you should be heartfelt and important! Aren’t you cheapening it by saying it with no feeling behind it.” she said bringing her four months of marital experience to bear on the subject.

While I would never roll my eyes at someone (at least where they could see me) I explained that we cheapen the word love every day. I love french fries, I love that song, I love Star Wars, I love my house, I love my new dog, I love my new dress, I love that tile, I love my car, I love America, I love this and that and everything else…and by the way I love you too!

My point is not that I am cheapening my love for my wife…I am reinforcing it with kindness and a simply reminder that I am still “in this with you” and not going anywhere.

Pleasantries must be the backdrop if you are going to make a pleasant environment because every conversation can’t be deep and meaningful….

2. REPORTER TALK – “Just the Facts Ma’am”.
All of the moving parts to your life, at leas the vast majority of them, need to be communicated to your spouse. “The life you share has to be shared.” The facts.  T

“I’ll pickup Katy from school if you can take Johnny to practice”
“Game is at 4 but we have to be there early”
“I’m going to be late for dinner”
“Your mom called”
“Dog ran off but neighbor found it”
etc…

Sometimes the success of marriage and parenting hinges on just the facts of life.

3. INTELLECTUAL TALK – “Do you know what I think?”

We are sharing opinions, judgements and interpretations about whatever the subject happens to be. We are letting our spouse in on how we process the information we receive.
Conversations in this LEVEL usually start with “ITHINK…” and it involves some risk. When you share your opinion there is a chance that your spouse will disagree with you. That in itself isn’t a problem, in fact it is to be welcomed. But not every marriage handles disagreement very well….this THE RISK.

I think we should buy a boat with our tax refund…
I think the church should give more to missions…
I think you mother isn’t doing well…
I think If Throckmorton doesn’t get his grades up he does go camping..
I think
I think
I think

Usually people watch the response of their spouse. If it is positive they continue of it is negative they may quickly bring the conversation to a close and retreat to a safer subject.
Some couples don’t spend tons of time on level 3 bc they dolt ike their ideas questioned or challenged

4. EMOTIONAL TALK _ “Let me Tell you How I Feel
Getting a little more risky. If their is one thing men and women clash over it is the emotional impact of different things in our lives.  While men and woman have the same emotions they are expressed differently and applied to different situations.
Men get mad, happy, glad, angry, nostalgic, protective, wounded etc…. just like women.

Example: They may agree they should join a certain church. But they have different feelings about it based upon their history, personality and background.
He wants to join but has mixed feelings about it bc his uncle is a pastor in a different denomination.  She loves the children’s programs but hasn’t found a place yet for them as a couple to connect. So she joins for her kids… Same Event…different emotional attachments.

Many couple rarely communicate on this level because they fear their emotions won’t be accepted. They said something early on in marriage and she hasn’t recovered from if. She set limits on what could be discussed because of poor self esteem, insecurity of or just plain old stubbornness. He shuts down when it gets emotional cuz he cant keep up with her…and the list goes on.

YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT THE FACT: I will feel differently than my spouse….and it is OK!

LEVEL #5 LOVINGTruth Talk

This is the Apex of communication. Allows you to speak the truth in Love…It allows you to be fully known and ideally, fully loved.  It is honest but not condemning, Open but not demanding

So much is wrapped it this level  including:

• Seek to understand our spouses thoughts, desires, emotions etc…
• Look for ways to grow together inspire of our differences.
• MUST ACCEPT your spouse….must accept their past….
• Must accept their personality
• Must accept their wounds

ALL of these levels of communication are important. You should flow freely between the different levels. It takes some work, but is is awesome when you and your spouse flow freely !

Hope this is helpful,

Hixon and Margie 

5 Levels of Communication concept from “Covenant Marriage” by Gary Chapman. B/H 1992

Gang,

We had a great time with you last Sunday! Remember that God has chosen to reveal Himself to us in relational terms. Father to son, children etc… Even husband and wife (Ephesians 5) It makes sense that the very things that hinder our communication with God would also hinder our communication with our spouse.

Can’t wait to see y’all this Sunday and as always, we hope this helps!

Hixon and Margie

ROADBLOCKS TO PRAYER AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP W/ YOUR SPOUSE

1.UNCONFESSED SIN   Isaiah 59:1 – Your sins have separated you from God. Prayer is the process of becoming spiritually fit and receiving from God what he is already willing to do.
In your relationship with your spouse, unconfessed sin or more often “un-acknowledged” sin, will cause wounds that are hard to see sometimes and last longer than you think. It will break emotional and often physical intimacy. So figure out ways to confess any sin you have committed against your spouse TO your spouse. You may find it opens up an entire new level of intimacy in your marriage. And that is good!

2. IDOLATRY     Ezekiel 14:3 -“Son of man, these men have taken their idols into their hearts, and set the stumbling block of their iniquity before their faces. Should I indeed let myself be consulted by them?
Simply put, idolatry is anything we place before God. It can be even be good things like church but it still damages our relationship with God. Likewise, when we place things or people ahead of our spouses the relationship suffers. Again, even good things can wound your relationship. If we place our own parents, boss, friends ahead of our spouse at some point wounds overtake their understanding. SO, elevate the status of your spouse. Seriously examine how important they are to you and if they are not at the top of the earthy relationship list, you’re doing marriage wrong…. and that is “no bueno!”

3. REFUSALS TO HEAR GOD’S WORD   Proverbs 28:9 – If one turns his ear away from hearing the Law, even his prayer is an abomination.
When we stop listening to our spouse…or we listen with no intention of acting on what is said…we dig ourselves a hole that relationally can only be crawled from by actively listening then acting upon what is shared. How many times have we listened to our spouse only to get to the end of the complaint. Never really intending to change but only to endure. Your spouse knows…they really do…and they withdraw because of it. SO, actively listen to your spouse. Stop what you are watching, texting or looking up. Drop the paper, thematic etc… and focus on them. You might find out that they are pretty special indeed. And that is good!

4. LACK OF COMPASSION   Prov. 21:13 – whoever closes his ear to the cry of the poor will himself cry out and not be answered. God cares about the poor, the down, the outcast etc…
Your spouse deserves your compassion. Without identifying with or participating in their lives in a compassionate way you are essentially saying you don’t care… and that is “no bueno!”

5. MARITAL INSENSITIVITY   1 Peter 3:7 -live with your wife in an understanding way…so that your prayers are not hindered. Thats about all we need to say there…

6. UNFORGIVENESS  Mark 11: Whenever you stand praying…forgive so that God will forgive you.
The greatest danger to a marriage is lack of thorough forgiveness, where the husband or wife refuses to forgive the other. It may be for simple insensitivity or it may be for something a whole lot more serious. Either way forgiveness is a lifestyle of grace to your spouse. We could go all day on this subject but without the grace that comes from forgiving your spouse..a marriage can deteriorate in to a lifeless, bitter partnership. SO, if you are a Christian you can remember how much you have been forgiven and use that truth to help you forgive your spouse. And that is “Fantastic!”