Monthly Archives: November 2016

A little fear can be a good thing. Especially when it gives us a healthy respect for dangerous things. Dark parking lots, strangers, storms, hot stoves, sharks, zombies etc… all to be feared. That fear, while it can have a little too much place in our lives, also serves as means of avoiding harmful consequences.

Fear in marriage, however,  is almost always destructive. One of the most important aspects of marriage is safety, closeness…to be “fully known and fully loved.”   Yet it (fear) is the very thing that most women (and really most men too) struggle with. In fact it is so common that Psychology Today says fear is the single biggest obstacle women face in their lives. And a “top 3” in a man’s life. Fear of rejection … fear of being alone … fear of missing out … fear of being “found out” … fear of what others think about them… etc…

1 John 4:18

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

That being said, these are the questions from last Sunday’s “I Do Now What?” class designed to FIGHT FEAR in our marriage and develop closeness. Caution: Be wise when answering these questions. If your marriage is not used to “brutal honesty”, then now would be a terrible time to start unloading everything. If you and your spouse use each others faults against one another then that has to be cleared up first. If you guys are in real marital trouble and the honest answers to these questions will be harmful at best, then some healing may need to take place before these questions are helpful. Got it?

DO THIS…

1. Husband: Tell your wife why you love her. Share your feelings about who she is and what she means to you.  Remember what you saw when you had to see her?…. When you had to hear her voice? … When you had to touch her? “Go back” to that place and tell her all about it! But you don’t feel that way anymore? Remember what it was like and you may change your feelings. Yes, by the way, you CAN change your feelings.
2. Wife: tell your husband about your respect for him and what he does in life. The qualities you admire in him and the reasons you admire them.   If it is true that a man would choose to be respected before he is loved, then it is up to you to help him feel respected. Nothing respectable about him? C’mon…nothing? is he Disciplined? Creative? Passionate? Focused? Free-Spirited? Driven? Caring father? etc… surely there is something. When you identify what it is…let him know. If you are sincere and he believes that you are, then you will “speak life into him”.
3. In humility, Husband: Share what your tendency is… (Dominant, Passive, Immoral, Distracted) ask forgiveness for when it has wounded or harmed your wife. Open up about your tendencies. She already knows anyway. Do you tend to dominate or are you passive? Are you struggling with certain sin? Share as much as you can…bring her into your confidence. This will be a huge part of breaking down walls of deception (should they exist) and beginning a new level of intimacy in your marriage. Wives: be so careful not to make him feel foolish for trusting you in this.
4. In humility, Wife: Share what your tendency is…. (Dominant, Enabler, Distracted, Emotion-Motivated) Ask forgiveness for when it has wounded your husband. He knows, trust me, he does. What he needs to know is that “you know”. Rarely will a woman be vulnerable about her struggle that a man will not understand and listen. Husbands: if she trusts you with her “stuff” you can NEVER use it against her. Even when you are mad. Deal?
5. Each Day this week: Thank God for how your spouse is made. Ask God to reveal to you how you can show love, respect for your spouse. Then do it! Part of the attraction to your spouse (I assume) is that they are different than you are. They look different, they act differently, they smell different. That is good by the way.  Enjoy the differences! It is ok that he does not talk like a girl even though you sometimes wish he would drop everything and share for hours. Its ok that she prefers long walks to watching the game. That is part of the dance…the attraction….the love. 

With all of these questions: the point is to talk about things you may not have talked about before. Let the conversation go where it needs to go. Then get back to the original question…

Hope these questions are helpful,

Hixon and Margie

What a great time together!!  Thank you for opening up so much and looking at what God’s Word says about our tendencies as husbands. Also for the willingness to understand the things that a man faces in marriage and in life. Here are some notes from last Sunday… It was our week to look at the destructive tendencies of men…next week it’s the women’s turn. As always we will laugh a lot, see what Scripture tells us and be better for it!

Hope this helps, 

Hixon and Margie

Ephesians 5:25

“Husbands love your Wives, just as Christ loved the Church and gave himself for her.”

Let’s be honest. That is a pretty tall order!  Christ loved the church (not the buildings but the people) sacrificed for the church, suffered for the church, blesses the church, protects the church, died for the church (Gospel)…  Me? I struggle sometimes just to put her needs in front of my own.  In fact, like most men… I am at war with insecurity, pride, my upbringing, wounds, selfishness, sin…

We teach that “as the man goes so goes the marriage”. That is not to say that the wife sits back for the ride. It is simply to say that the man has a unique role in leading the home. (Eph.5) If he leads well, then the marriage has the best chance at thriving. If he doesn’t, his wife will have to compensate for him…and that throws everything off. Two people….equal value…different roles.

2 KINDS OF DAMAGING HUSBANDS

1. THE DOMINEERING HUSBAND – (“My Way or the High Way!”)   1 Kings 4, Solomon’s son Rehoboam.  These men often have good leadership abilities. People at work are usually a little intimidated; they are often in charge or soon will be. “These are the men you want leading armies.” They get the job done and are usually task oriented. The “up side” to these guys is endless in terms of accomplishing a task. However…a man who dominates his wife is like a man who crushes flowers. 

Matthew 20:25-28    25 Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. 26 Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, 27 and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— 28 just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” 

A man will dominate his wife for a number of reasons. In addition, perhaps, to having a Choleric personality, he may have had detached parents, bringing on feelings of self-importance to cover the need for attention. He may have seen his father dominate and his mother capitulate so it is normal to him. “Dad barks and mom trembles”. He also simply may be insecure and cover by being overly controlling. Of course for many of us the desire to be in control is probably a pattern of sin, excuses and the thirst for power.

A husband who dominates his wife, inadvertently or intentionally, sends a lot of damaging signals to his wife.

• “We are not equals”
• “This marriage is about me” (and not you)
• “Your opinion doesn’t matter”
• Etc…

These signals can irrepairbly hurt a marriage …

2. THE PASSIVE HUSBAND (“Yes Dear”)  – 1 Kings 21   King Ahab and Jezebel.

These men, at their best, can be giving and sensitive. They are kind and have a tendency to be empathetic. Sometimes they even read people and situations well. They often “hear the conversation that is really going on”… or at least believe that they do. 

King Ahab allowed his wife Jezebel to lead him away from God and into all kinds of evil things. He simply couldn’t say no to her. Whatever she wanted she received…with terrible consequences.

REASONS FOR A PASSIVE HUSBAND
A man will allow his wife to dominate over him for a lot of reasons. Genesis 2-4. The Fall of man. He may have been over-nurtured with his parents making decisions for him. Maybe he was never allowed to fail etc.. Maybe his dad was also passive or his mom demanding. He could also be intimidated by his wife.  There is a chance that he is just lazy. And of course he may have let his natural Phlegmatic personality run amok.

A husband who is passive essentially says this to his wife…

• “You married a child”
• “I’m not capable of making decisions”
• “You replaced my mother”
• etc..

“A woman will rarely fully love a man whom she can fully control” – J. Evans

Next two:

The Immoral Husband

The Distracted Husband