More questions from the Woman’s Group (Conversations: Woman to Woman) that my wife and Kathy Drake taught this semester. These questions were presented to a panel of 5 men who were asked to answer and discuss their responses. It was 130 woman and the five of use guys…. wow! (Brave guys)
WHEN A WOMAN WEARS A LOW CUT DRESS OR SHORT SKIRT, DOES IT DISTRACT A MAN? B. DO MEN LOOK WHEN THEIR WIFE IS NOT WATCHING? C. DOES IT EXCITE MEN?
· A. Yes. The problem is not with the “seeing” but with “looking”. Seeing is inevitable for everyone. Looking involves a choice. The position a man should take is one of discipline…“I have made a covenant with my eyes that I may not sin against You” Job 31:1
· B. Some men do…some men don’t.
· C. So much depends on what is going on in the heart of the man. If a man sees a woman as an object and has trained himself to leer and think lustfully then yes it does excite him. If a man has trained his mind to be respectful and see a woman as valued and in a sisterly fashion then no.
MY HUSBAND HAS CHEATED AND I HAVE PRAYED ABOUT THIS. BUT BECAUSE OF THIS, SEX HAS BEEN A BIG ISSUE. SINCE THE BEING IN THIS CLASS, I HAVE OPENED UP A LOT IN OUR SEX LIFE WHICH I THOUGH WAS GREAT FOR US, BUT HE STILL GETS UPSET AND SAYS THAT IT IS NOT ENOUGH (times). I AM TIRED AND DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW. I FEEL LOKE GIVING UP ALL OVER AGAIN. ANY SUGGESTIONS?
· He needs to talk to a man who can give him some perspective. In other words, he lost his right to be disappointed in the bedroom when he cheated on you.
· Also the physical relationship in a marriage is one of giving not taking. Both parties try to meet the needs wants of their spouse. It starts with his meeting your needs. (Security, respect etc)
· It is for a man to “win his wife” not to demand, guilt or force her into anything she is not emotionally ready for.
· The fact that you can have sex with your husband after an affair is admirable and healthy. But healing must take place emotionally and spiritually before your life will get back to normal.
I TEND TO BE THE ONE WHO ALWAYS INTIATES SEX WITH MY HUSBAND. WHAT CAN I DO TO GET HIM TO BE MORE AGGRESSIVE?
· Express to him how much you desire and enjoy that part of your relationship.
· If he ever was more aggressive, express how much you liked that (not guilting, just sharing)
· Men fail to initiate for a lot of reasons… (no accusation here)
o Fear of not satisfying their wife
o Fear of critique from wife
o Bad body image (not just a women’s issue)
o Too much work, caffeine, stress
o Poor sexual history
o Pornography addiction
WHAT IF YOU DON’T LIKE YOUR HUSBAND’S FRIENDS AND WHERE THEY HANG OUT AT? (bars and clubs)
· Ask yourself WHY you don’t like them? Does he spend too much time with them, tell them too much etc…
· He may need to get with some men who will encourage him to get out of the “bar and honor your wife”.
· He may need some new friends.
· When you marry your commitment is to a different lifestyle.
· Do you have any friends who are healthy couples…..maybe that is the problem
· I told the Wingmen… a man honors his wife as much when he IS NOT with her as he does when he IS with her. A married man who goes “clubbing” will find it difficult to honor his wife.
· HOWEVER: Realize that if you met him in a club and expected him to stop going just because you got married (and did not discuss beforehand….then you are changing the rules). You still should do it but it may be more difficult for him to willingly go along until he gets it.
IN BIG, MAJOR DECISIONS, SUCH AS JOB LOCATION, CHURCH, HOME, # OF CHILDREN, VACATIONS ETC… AND THE HUSBAND AND WIFE DO NOT AGREE, I KNOW IT IS GOD’S PLAN FOR ME TO SUBMIT BUT HOW CAN I RESPECTFULLY PRESENT MY OPINION TO HIM SO THAT IT WILL BE HEARD AND CONSIDERED?
· Scripture says that a “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed”. Proverbs 15:22
· I would offer that for a man to lead his family well it requires that he listen to his wife. Not necessarily follow her counsel all the time but certainly he should listen and weigh her thoughts.
· It would be foolish for a man to proceed if his wife has strong reservations against the course he is choosing.
· A man should understand that a woman has a different perspective and insight that could be very helpful….if he would just listen.
MY HUSBAND AND I WERE RAISED VERY DIFFERENTLY/PARENTED VERY DIFFERENTLY. HOW DO WE FIND COMMON GROUND ON HOW WE WANT TO PARENT OUR CHILDREN TOGETHER?
· Never default to “it was how my parents raised me”. Talk about it before the “parenting situation arises. Decide how you want your kids to look. Even the best parenting can be improved upon.
· Start with the end in mind.
o What do I want my kids to look like when they are 10, 12, 15, 20 3tc….in areas of;
o Then ask yourself of how you are parenting will get you to the next phase (grade school, Jr High, HS, College etc…whatever is next)
o Much of the problem has to do with “what you are going for” with your child as oppose “to how do we do it”
· Make sure you have a clear chain of command. Who is actually in charge?
· I encourage men to acquiesce to their wives in terms of day-to-day.
· I encourage women to acquiesce to husbands in terms of discipline.
WHY IS SEX SO IMPORTANT TO YOU ALL?
· Made that way…
· To pursue YOU
· To protect YOU
· To be drawn to YOU
· To stay with YOU
· The draw of a satisfying and loving sexual relationship makes men strong and brave…don’t laugh…it is true. Socially strong, secure, masculine but not dominant.
WHY DIDN’T GOD MAKE MEN AND WOMEN WITH THE SAME SEXUAL DESIRES?
· My thoughts (I think He did…they just look different)
o A man want validation and closeness (so does a women)
o A man wants intimacy and release (so does a woman)
o A man wants a fulfilling physical relationship with his wife (so does the wife)
· More to the intent of the question:
· It plays perfectly into who we are. Microwave/crockpot.
o Forces men to be civil and learn to be gentle.
o Forces women to be open and trusting.
o If we were all like men we would never leave the bedroom
o If we were all like women we would never leave the Mall (sorry, cheap shot)
WHY DO MEN HAVE SUCH A HARD TIME CONTROLLING THEIR ANGER?
· It is easier to get angry than control ourselves
· When we feel trapped we will often express frustration and/or anger
· We often respond to circumstances we don’t like with anger
· We are sinners
· James 1:20 20for (A)the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.
HOW CAN I GET MY HUSBAND TO LISTEN MORE ACTIVELY WHEN I AM SPEAKING TO HIM?
· Don’t catch him when the ball game is on
· Sit in close and talk slowly in small words and simple sentences J
· Ask for HIS opinion on whatever it is that you are telling him
· Examine how you talk to him…any condescension? Etc…
NAME SOME WAYS A WIFE CAN LET HER HUSBAND KNOW HE IS VALUED AND RESPECTED. WHAT SHOULD I AVOID SAYING OR DOING THAT COULD MAKE HIM FEEL OTHERWISE?
· Ask his opinion
· Follow his advice
· Express appreciation for the things that he does (work hard etc)
· Avoid: belittling, interrupting or usurping his Authority
MY HUSBAND REGULARLY ATTENDED A MEN’S BIBLE STUDY WITH A GROUP OF GODLY MEN. WHILE INVOLVED, HE STILL HAD AN AFFAIR. ARE THESE BIBLE STUDIES JUST A THING TO DO OR IS THEIR ACCOUNTABILITY IN THESE GROUPS?
· Some groups are social groups that talk about the ballgames and little else. Most groups (at FBC) are designed to encourage and support a man in his walk with the Lord.They work through issues and expect transparency, confidentiality and accountability.
o A Bible Study does not keep a man from cheating if he is determined to cheat.
o Most of our lives are isolated by an intertwining of work (different people), church (different people) activities (different people) play (different people) that we have ample opportunity to stray without people knowing it.
o Accountability only works when people are willingly accountable
o Godly men can be completely unaware of a man’s secret sin….. just like his wife is….
I KNOW MY HUSBAND STRUGGLES WITH HIS THOUGHT LIFE (sexually). HE HAS BEEN VERY HONEST WITH ME REGARDING THIS STRUGGLE. THEREFORE I FEEL THAT I AM THE ONLY THING HE HAS ACCESS TO (morally that is) WHENEVER HE WANTS TO MAKE LOVE I FEEL USED! HOW DO I GET OVER THIS?
· You ARE designed to be his only outlet for sexual desire…whether he ever saw a “playboy” or not.
· He has to express his desire for you for more than a release. He should be looking to meet your needs and not only his needs.
· He will be the one who has to create ”safety” in your sex life…by giving, nurturing and understanding.
· “Very Honest” probably means” too much info”. (See previous question on accountability).
WHAT DOS IT TAKE TO GET A MAN TO “WANT” TO HELP WITH THE HOUSE< CHORES< KIDS ETC….. ? EVERY TIME I NEED HELP AND ASK FOR IT, I SEEM TO BE GRIPING OR COMPLAINING TO HIM.
· An act of God is required for a man to want to help around the house….kidding….kindaJ
· When he helps…let him help HIS way. No critique, no correction etc…
o Does it really matter that the dishes are not exactly where they are supposed to be?
o Does it really matter that he folded the clothes differently that you do?
o Does it really matter that the kids didn’t use soap…… ok that one matters…..but you get the idea.
· An understanding that his wife takes priority over his own needs.
· A heart change –“ work hard at work….work hard at home”.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN JEALOUS THAT YOU CAN’T CARRY AND GIVE BIRTH TO YOUR CHILDREN?
· Seriously? No.