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Monthly Archives: November 2010

Questions from Women…Answers from Men (11-25)

More questions from the Woman’s Group (Conversations: Woman to Woman) that my wife and Kathy Drake taught this semester. These questions were presented to a panel of 5 men who were asked to answer and discuss their responses. It was 130 woman and the five of use guys…. wow!  (Brave guys) 


 


Questions 11-25



WHEN A WOMAN WEARS A LOW CUT DRESS OR SHORT SKIRT, DOES IT DISTRACT A MAN?  B. DO MEN LOOK WHEN THEIR WIFE IS NOT WATCHING?  C. DOES IT EXCITE MEN?


·         A. Yes. The problem is not with the “seeing” but with “looking”.  Seeing is inevitable for everyone. Looking involves a choice. The position a man should take is one of discipline…“I have made a covenant with my eyes that I may not sin against You” Job 31:1


·         B. Some men do…some men don’t.


·         C. So much depends on what is going on in the heart of the man. If a man sees a woman as an object and has trained himself to leer and think lustfully then yes it does excite him. If a man has trained his mind to be respectful and see a woman as valued and in a sisterly fashion then no.  


 


MY HUSBAND HAS CHEATED AND I HAVE PRAYED ABOUT THIS. BUT BECAUSE OF THIS, SEX HAS BEEN A BIG ISSUE.  SINCE THE BEING IN THIS CLASS, I HAVE OPENED UP A LOT IN OUR SEX LIFE WHICH I THOUGH WAS GREAT FOR US, BUT HE STILL GETS UPSET AND SAYS THAT IT IS NOT ENOUGH (times).  I AM TIRED AND DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW.  I FEEL LOKE GIVING UP ALL OVER AGAIN.  ANY SUGGESTIONS?  


·         He needs to talk to a man who can give him some perspective. In other words, he lost his right to be disappointed in the bedroom when he cheated on you.


·         Also the physical relationship in a marriage is one of giving not taking. Both parties try to meet the needs wants of their spouse. It starts with his meeting your needs. (Security, respect etc)


·         It is for a man to “win his wife” not to demand, guilt or force her into anything she is not emotionally ready for. 


·         The fact that you can have sex with your husband after an affair is admirable and healthy. But healing must take place emotionally and spiritually before your life will get back to normal.


 


 


 


I TEND TO BE THE ONE WHO ALWAYS INTIATES SEX WITH MY HUSBAND.  WHAT CAN I DO TO GET HIM TO BE MORE AGGRESSIVE? 


·         Express to him how much you desire and enjoy that part of your relationship.


·         If he ever was more aggressive, express how much you liked that (not guilting, just sharing)


·         Men fail to initiate for a lot of reasons… (no accusation here)


o   Fear of not satisfying their wife


o   Fear of critique from wife


o   Bad body image (not just a women’s issue)


o   Too much work, caffeine, stress


o   Poor sexual history


o   Pornography addiction


 


 


WHAT IF YOU DON’T LIKE YOUR HUSBAND’S FRIENDS AND WHERE THEY HANG OUT AT? (bars and clubs)


·         Ask yourself WHY you don’t like them?  Does he spend too much time with them, tell them too much etc…


·         He may need to get with some men who will encourage him to get out of the “bar and honor your wife”.


·         He may need some new friends.


·         When you marry your commitment is to a different lifestyle.


·         Do you have any friends who are healthy couples…..maybe that is the problem


·         I told the Wingmen… a man honors his wife as much when he IS NOT with her as he does when he IS with her. A married man who goes “clubbing” will find it difficult to honor his wife.


·         HOWEVER: Realize that if you met him in a club and expected him to stop going just because you got married (and did not discuss beforehand….then you are changing the rules). You still should do it but it may be more difficult for him to willingly go along until he gets it.


 


 


IN BIG, MAJOR DECISIONS, SUCH AS JOB LOCATION, CHURCH, HOME, # OF CHILDREN, VACATIONS ETC…  AND THE HUSBAND AND WIFE DO NOT AGREE, I KNOW IT IS GOD’S PLAN FOR ME TO SUBMIT BUT HOW CAN I RESPECTFULLY PRESENT MY OPINION TO HIM SO THAT IT WILL BE HEARD AND CONSIDERED?


·         Scripture says that a “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed”. Proverbs 15:22


·         I would offer that for a man to lead his family well it requires that he listen to his wife. Not necessarily follow her counsel all the time but certainly he should listen and weigh her thoughts.


·         It would be foolish for a man to proceed if his wife has strong reservations against the course he is choosing.


·         A man should understand that a woman has a different perspective and insight that could be very helpful….if he would just listen.


 


 


MY HUSBAND AND I WERE RAISED VERY DIFFERENTLY/PARENTED VERY DIFFERENTLY. HOW DO WE FIND COMMON GROUND ON HOW WE WANT TO PARENT OUR CHILDREN TOGETHER?


·         Never default to “it was how my parents raised me”. Talk about it before the “parenting situation arises. Decide how you want your kids to look.  Even the best parenting can be improved upon.


·         Start with the end in mind.


o   What do I want my kids to look like when they are 10, 12, 15, 20 3tc….in areas of;


§  faith


§  Integrity


§  Attitude


§  Morality


§   Etc…


o   Then ask yourself of how you are parenting will get you to the next phase (grade school, Jr High, HS, College etc…whatever is next)


o   Much of the problem has to do with “what you are going for” with your child as oppose “to how do we do it”


·         Make sure you have a clear chain of command. Who is actually in charge?


·         I encourage men to acquiesce to their wives in terms of day-to-day.


·         I encourage women to acquiesce to husbands in terms of discipline.


 


 


WHY IS SEX SO IMPORTANT TO YOU ALL?


·         Made that way…


·         To pursue YOU


·         To protect YOU


·         To be drawn to YOU


·         To stay with YOU


·         The draw of a satisfying and loving sexual relationship makes men strong and brave…don’t laugh…it is true. Socially strong, secure, masculine but not dominant.


 


 


 


WHY DIDN’T GOD MAKE MEN AND WOMEN WITH THE SAME SEXUAL DESIRES?


·         My thoughts (I think He did…they just look different)


o   A man want validation and closeness (so does a women)


o   A man wants intimacy and release (so does a woman)


o   A man wants a fulfilling physical relationship with his wife (so does the wife)


·         More to the intent of the question:


·         It plays perfectly into who we are.  Microwave/crockpot.


o   Forces men to be civil and learn to be gentle.


o   Forces women to be open and trusting.


o   If we were all like men we would never leave the bedroom


o   If we were all like women we would never leave the Mall (sorry, cheap shot)


 


 


WHY DO MEN HAVE SUCH A HARD TIME CONTROLLING THEIR ANGER?


·         It is easier to get angry than control ourselves


·         When we feel trapped we will often express frustration and/or anger


·         We often respond to circumstances we don’t like with anger


·         We are sinners


·         James 1:20 20for (A)the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.


 


 


HOW CAN I GET MY HUSBAND TO LISTEN MORE ACTIVELY WHEN I AM SPEAKING TO HIM?


·         Don’t catch him when the ball game is on


·         Sit in close and talk slowly in small words and simple sentences J


·         Ask for HIS opinion on whatever it is that you are telling him


·         Examine how you talk to him…any condescension? Etc…


 


NAME SOME WAYS A WIFE CAN LET HER HUSBAND KNOW HE IS VALUED AND RESPECTED.  WHAT SHOULD I AVOID SAYING OR DOING THAT COULD MAKE HIM FEEL OTHERWISE?


·         Ask his opinion


·         Follow his advice


·         Express appreciation for the things that he does (work hard etc)


·         Avoid: belittling, interrupting or usurping his Authority


 


MY HUSBAND REGULARLY ATTENDED A MEN’S BIBLE STUDY WITH A GROUP OF GODLY MEN. WHILE INVOLVED, HE STILL HAD AN AFFAIR.  ARE THESE BIBLE STUDIES JUST A THING TO DO OR IS THEIR ACCOUNTABILITY IN THESE GROUPS?


·         Some groups are social groups that talk about the ballgames and little else. Most groups (at FBC) are designed to encourage and support a man in his walk with the Lord.They work through issues and expect transparency, confidentiality and accountability.


·         HOWEVER


o   A Bible Study does not keep a man from cheating if he is determined to cheat.


o   Most of our lives are isolated by an intertwining of work (different people), church (different people) activities (different people) play (different people) that we have ample opportunity to stray without people knowing it.


o   Accountability only works when people are willingly accountable


o   Godly men can be completely unaware of a man’s secret sin….. just like his wife is….


 


 


I KNOW MY HUSBAND STRUGGLES WITH HIS THOUGHT LIFE (sexually).  HE HAS BEEN VERY HONEST WITH ME REGARDING THIS STRUGGLE.  THEREFORE I FEEL THAT I AM THE ONLY THING HE HAS ACCESS TO (morally that is) WHENEVER HE WANTS TO MAKE LOVE I FEEL USED!  HOW DO I GET OVER THIS?


·         You ARE designed to be his only outlet for sexual desire…whether he ever saw a “playboy” or not.


·         He has to express his desire for you for more than a release. He should be looking to meet your needs and not only his needs.


·         He will be the one who has to create ”safety” in your sex life…by giving, nurturing and understanding.


·         “Very Honest” probably means” too much info”.  (See previous question on accountability).


 


WHAT DOS IT TAKE TO GET A MAN TO “WANT” TO HELP WITH THE HOUSE< CHORES< KIDS ETC….. ?  EVERY TIME I NEED HELP AND ASK FOR IT, I SEEM TO BE GRIPING OR COMPLAINING TO HIM.


·         An act of God is required for a man to want to help around the house….kidding….kindaJ


·         When he helps…let him help HIS way. No critique, no correction etc…


o   Does it really matter that the dishes are not exactly where they are supposed to be?


o   Does it really matter that he folded the clothes differently that you do?


o   Does it really matter that the kids didn’t use soap…… ok that one matters…..but you get the idea.


·         An understanding that his wife takes priority over his own needs.


·         A heart change –“ work hard at work….work hard at home”.


 


 


HAVE YOU EVER BEEN JEALOUS THAT YOU CAN’T CARRY AND GIVE BIRTH TO YOUR CHILDREN?


·         Seriously?      No.

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Posted by on November 21, 2010 in Family, Leadership

 

Questions from Women…Answers from Men. (1-10)

My wife Margie,  and her good friend Kathy Drake, spent the last 13 weeks teaching a group of about 140 women. They spend the majority of their time talking about the physical relationship God designed for a husband and a wife to enjoy. They addressed everything from the fact that God wants married couples to have an awesome sex life together,  guilt over past sexual sin and even how to submit to the leadership of their husbands. About two weeks ago they ask women to write questions they have about “why men are such…..MEN!”  The questions range from silly to serious… here are some of the questions and our answers…

  

WHY DO YOU NOT KNOW WHERE YOUR STUFF IS?  OUCH!

Details like where we left our keys, wallet, underwear etc…get by us in light of the big picture.

 

  

HOW COME YOU CAN’T JUST “CUDDLE” WITHOUT IT TURNING INTO “SOMETHING ELSE”?

“Cuz you are so hot!”  I told the guys this answer would not work but it is worth a try.

Insensitivity on our part. Maybe even selfishness.

Remember to that we are “wired” that way….to pursue, to be visually attracted to you.

 

  

WHY DO YOU “SPACE OUT” WHEN I TALK AND AT FULL ATTENTION WITH OTHERS?

You know us best…we pretend with others

We are “on” for others and “off” for you. Or maybe we “fake it” with others and are “real” with you.   

We are comfortable with you and that sometimes means we are lazy with you.

 

  

DO YOU TRULY UNDERSTAND THAT WE CAN’T HELP IT IF OUR BODIES ARE NOT THE SAME AS THEY WERE WHEN WE WERE 20? Do you mind the changes or embrace them?   

None of us are the same as we were when we were 20. A sensitive man will get that.  

Hopefully both husband and wife “keep” themselves healthy but to think we will not change is unfair. There should be the additional attraction to you because of sexual history together, kids together, battle fought together, obstacles overcome together, joys shared and trust built.

Proverbs 5:18 May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.  

Remember that women are harder on other women than men will ever be…

 

  

WHY DO MEN HAVE SUCH A HARD TIME TALKING ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS IF SOMETHING IS BOTHERING THEM, WHY DON’T THEY JUST SPEAK UP OR TELL US? 

Is it safe to tell you? Or will critique and belittling take place?

Can he completely be himself with you?

Will you lose respect for him if he shares something he is ashamed of?

Will you ask questions that he can’t answer and then be frustrated he does not communicate well?

 We don’t like disappointing you (or being disappointed in ourselves)  

 

  

HOW DO I TELL MY HUSBAND THAT I NEED MORE ATTENTION WITHOUT HIM FEELING LIKE I AM GRIPING OR COMPLAINING?

Tell him: “I love it when you ______________”.  Positive reinforcement. 

A man receives assignments everywhere he goes and may feel like he has something else for him to do.

If a man smells manipulation he will reject it.  “Honey you did an amazing job wiping the seat!” J

 

  

HOW CAN I ENCOURAGE MY HUSBAND TO BE A BETTER SPIRITUAL LEADER?    

Follow him in the smallest effort.  Eph 5/1 Peter 3.

Never ever critique his genuine effort.

Never compare him to anyone else who does it “right”!

 

  

MY HUSBAND IS NOT A CHRISTIAN…and will not even consider coming to church with the family.  IT HURTS ME AND I FELL LIKE HE IS WRONG.  WHAT ADVICE DO YOU HAVE?

1 Peter 3:1 1 Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives,

A man will be swayed by his wife. What direction will you sway him?

 

  

WHEN MY HUSBAND SHARES A PROBLEM HE IS HAVING, DOES HE WANT ME TO TRY AND FIX IT SINCE THAT IS WHAT HE TRIES TO DO WHEN HE HEARS MY PROBLEMS?

 Typically he wants you to see it as the biggest problem that has ever faced a man ….EVER!  Then he wants you to assure him that he has done everything that can possible by done. Also a little pity mixed with the recognition that what he has to face in life is almost superhuman compared to the mundane normal things that you have to face.

 

  

IS IT A BAD IDEA TO USE YOUR WIFE AS AN ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER IF YOU STRUGGLE WITH PORNOGRAPHY?

Opinion…yes!  Because men and women are wired so differently.

It would be very difficult for a woman to understand how a man thinks without being wounded by what she finds.

In the book Every Man’s Battle – the author tells story after story of a man’s confession to his wife and her shock, dismay, frustration and wounds over his addiction.  She considered him a “pervert” and “despicable”… all because she just couldn’t get it. (by the way…he may very well be both a pervert and despicable).

She probably lacks the capacity to understand the struggle. Much like a man could not really understand “childbirth”.

A man DOES NEED ACCOUNTABILITY in his life.  A man without accountability is in a very dangerous place.

I recommend that a woman is an “accountability partner” in this way….Know your husbands passwords, codes, texts, emails etc… not in a “stalking way” but just “matter of factly” check em out. There is absolutely no reason that my wife should not know whom I talk to, about what, and when I do it. ( I don’t mean that I betray a confidence…but there is a big difference in exceptions and rules.) Scary how many guys have convinced their wives that it is ok that she does not know the password to the computer/email/text etc….secrecy kills trust it is not the evidence of it!

 
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Posted by on November 18, 2010 in Family, Leadership